For the Suicidal Moms….*Trigger Warning*

“May you find your peace, in the strongest storms”

I thought about killing myself. I thought long and hard about it as I laid in my bed. I felt like I had enough of people taking from me but never putting in. I am emotionally drained, mentally drained. I don’t get more than 6 hours of sleep. I’m a single mother fighting to make a future for myself and my son. Honestly, I felt Like I let my son down. He did not ask to be here and I felt I cheated him out of having the best life as possible. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. But then Eliaz got sick and had a very bad fever. I was blamed for him becoming sick and I cried to him and told him sorry for letting him down. But he hugged me. He gave me kisses and fell asleep in my arms. In that moment, I felt so much better. I felt a weight lifted off me.

Parenting with depression is…like a bad song that keeps replaying and you cannot stop it. Y’all know I try to be as honest and transparent as I can. Being in this specific situation sucks!

Here are some things that happen when you’re a parent struggling with depression.

  • Clothes…dirty clothes pile up
  • Dishes aren’t washed like they should be and they pile up as well
  • You no longer have the energy to cook so you probably just end up ordering food
  • The kids can be taken of but as far as yourself…. You have let yourself go
  • Waking to make your kids breakfast becomes a task you dread
  • You do not have the energy to play with your child
  • You just sit there…zoned out. Completely out of it
  • You start to wonder if your kids would be better off without your existence

This past week, (almost a month actually) I have been through all the emotions. I have lost my motivation, determination, strength… But here I am. still breathing… still living. There is hope. Being completely on my own, when I sink into that dark place, it is very hard for me to come out and it can take weeks, if not longer to feel like normal again. But my son reminded me, that he loves me, and reminded me why I started in the first place. It takes everything in me to get back on track and it is a very daunting and exhausting task to take on. I understand. I’ve been there and I am still there!

But there is hope. There is a reason to keep moving forward. Look for it.

What I’m trying to say is that, if you have a loved one, please don’t hesitate to reach out to them. It will make your life so much easier. Call your husband, boyfriend, best friend, family in your time of need.

Your child needs you, you need you. So, don’t give up now. If you need help, don’t be ashamed or too prideful to ask for it. Take your time. Things will get done and you’re in no competition with anyone else. When you take care of yourself, you will be able to do a lot more for others AND yourself.

Know that You are enough. You are doing great. You are loved.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Peace, Love and Melanin

-The Brown Mom

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24 Comments

  1. July 11, 2018 / 11:09 am

    You’re right struggling with depression and parenting is draining. You wonder wth you can do and you don’t want to do anything. All we do is keep going because that’s what we know. I felt this post… it is my story and struggle.

  2. July 11, 2018 / 1:32 pm

    I never related to a post so much. I have the same thoughts daily but my daughter keeps me going. Therapy and working our help me get through the week. Please keep sharing your light. I’m proud and your life has purpose.

  3. Michelle
    July 12, 2018 / 1:59 pm

    Mental awareness is so important! I have seen so many post about. The awareness is the key to this. I also did a blog post about this. With so much going on, we need to check on others as well as ourselves.

  4. July 17, 2018 / 9:08 am

    This is so very important. As someone who studies suicidality and mental health, I cant emphasize the amount of pain and heart break I’ve felt watching some participants live with such an immense amount of pain. I’m so sorry you’ve felt that way but i’m so happy you not only came out of it. But are emphasizing with other women and showing them by example that there’s a way to come out of it. Thank you for posting the national suicide hotline. You can very well save a life here. Keep it up!

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:26 am

      Thank you for taking the time to read ❤️

  5. July 23, 2018 / 10:40 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. You will help more people than you know because so many feel like they are the only ones!! I dont suffer from depression but I do have anxiety and just looking at a to-do list gives me fits of it!

  6. July 23, 2018 / 10:44 am

    I appreciate your honesty and transparency. I work at a mental health facility, and depression is such a common illness that adults suffer with, especially after having children. Praying you continue to have hope and be all that you were created to be!!

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:25 am

      Thank you so much Cayla your job is important

  7. July 23, 2018 / 10:46 am

    Thank you for sharing…it is amazing how many people walk similar paths but we do not know. Just yesterday I was feeling like a failure as a mom. I am always amazed at how children usually know exactly what to say or do at our lowest moments.

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:24 am

      Mom guilt can be so overbearing! But we can do it

  8. July 23, 2018 / 11:00 am

    this post is absolutely beautiful, thank you for being so honest. I am not a parent but i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and i know how hard it can be to hear over the negative things depression is filling your head with. You’re incredibly strong for sharing this and for continuing to fight. If you were my mother, i’d be extremely proud of you and im sure your son is as well. xx

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:24 am

      Thank you for your kind words!

  9. July 23, 2018 / 11:05 am

    Thank you for your honesty! The important thing to remember is that no matter how bad it is, it’s just a phase. It will pass!

  10. July 23, 2018 / 4:07 pm

    Goodness. Been there done that. I had a “plan.” Depression is no joke. I am so grateful I have created an arsenal of support for when I feel the downward descent. Thank you for helping to raise awareness. Keep up the good work.

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:24 am

      Thank you !

  11. July 23, 2018 / 8:07 pm

    Good for you!! One step at a time. It’s definitely an uphill battle, and just remember that you’re worth it girl!!

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:23 am

      Thank you for your support

  12. Meg
    July 24, 2018 / 9:14 am

    Whoa, ok this is some heavy topics to be bringing it up. I think this is the perfect non threatening place to share about suicide. Your honesty in this article is gripping. It breaks my heart to think that people think their own children will be better off without them. Never!

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:23 am

      It’s really hard but someone has to talk about it!

  13. July 25, 2018 / 8:38 am

    Thanks for writing this girl, I know it is going to be so comforting to so many. I wish I could give you a big hug!

    • Hadassah
      Author
      July 26, 2018 / 8:26 am

      *virtual hug* thank you for reading !

  14. August 8, 2018 / 10:33 pm

    Wow! Thank you for your honesty and being so vulnerable, while I’m not a mom I was very suicidial for a few years. This post was definitely needed and will help lots of moms going thru the same thing. God bless you.

  15. Sandy
    August 9, 2018 / 12:16 am

    Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. Dealing with depression without being directly responsible for someone is one thing, but adding a child to the mix must add in many more layers of complexity.

  16. Shellnicole
    August 9, 2018 / 1:41 pm

    Being a parent is hard and then when you add other variables it gets really hard. Thank you for sharing your experience 💜

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