Sexual Assault Awareness Month
Surprisingly April is now the month of sexual assault awareness. April as you may know from my previous post is also my birth month. I believe this was a sign that it is finally time for me to tell my story. Sooo. Hi, I’m Esther. And I am a survivor of sexual abuse. From 7-14 years of age I was being molested by a family member (related by marriage). I won’t go into detail about what exactly occurred but I can say this event is the focal point…the root, of how my problems began. I did not have anyone to protect me from this destruction that was happening. No one noticed my little attempts to tell. I just accepted what was happening to me as a norm until I told guy I was “talking” to. You know back in the day, the whooping you would get if a guy called you late at night. Eric was name, I remember, he said he would call my house and tell my mom himself if I did not tell anyone. Then I’m like oh Shi*t ok I guess I will finally tell someone. The first thing I did was call my pastor and tell him because I knew if I told him first then people would most likely believe me. It was on a Sunday night after church and he told me I had to tell my mom tonight and to her face…. I almost pissed my pants because I was so scared of the reaction I was going to get. I was never close to my mother so telling her something like this made me very nervous. Well I finally did it. Needless to say all hell broke loose. Within 20 minutes the whole family was in on it, my dad was on a flight to us, my mom was screaming. Everything happened so fast it was like a blur. The police got involved, I had to get examined and everyone kept the details from me. Nobody let me in on what was going on in the courts or anything. I felt as if I was exiled on a deserted island. When someone came to speak to me, she asked if I wanted to try therapy but my mom shamed me into thinking of therapy as an option. She told me that it would be on my permanent record and in the future employers would see that and think I’m crazy. So here I am… 14 years old, abused, alone and confused. What did I do to deserve this? Is it my fault? Nobody asked me if I was alright. Well from that day on, my self-destructive path started. I was all over the place with no direction. No one was holding my hand showing me where I should go from here. Fast forward into my college years, 2011-2015. I was so deep in depression I could not even study. I isolated myself so many times in my dorm room to cope. I lost friends because of it. Sometimes I lashed out at people with anger for no reason. In all honesty I was crying out for help when I acted out and hoped someone would care enough to notice and ask me what was really going. I wanted a shoulder to cry on but could not find one. I cried many many nights. I started looking for love in the wrong places and started hanging out with the wrong people. Who gives a f*ck about me right? One night I was so low, I stood in the middle of the street in front of my college hoping a car would come and hit me. I wanted to die. I saw no value in me being alive. I just stood there thinking, “what a pitiful way to die, would anyone come to my funeral? Is this my end?” I do not what it was but something made me turn back that night and go back to my dorm. It was not my time. I decided I was going to start doing better and helping myself. This idea didn’t occur to me until the end of my senior year in college. I started communicating with people better, working out, writing in my journal and just being active. I thank God for his protection over because my situation could have been much worse. I am now 24 years old, and loving my life. To this day I still have family members who think I’m a tramp and that I “seduced” my abuser. *side eye* whatever they can think that. Victim blaming is not the answer. People are going to think what they want to think so F*ck it. I have no time trying to get approval from others. Only regret that I have is that I didn’t tell sooner and that I didn’t get the help really I needed. Sexual abuse is nothing to be taken lightly. Children deserve that chance to enjoy childhood and to feel safe. Talk to people. It took me over 5 years to regain control of my life. Do not wait like I did, PLEASE. It took me awhile to accept what happened to me and to move on. Now there are so much sources and places to go to for help. Do not stay quiet. Speak up. Protect yourself. The abuser may pretend like he or she is your friend but it is a lie. They do not love you and they are only using you. You deserve better than that.
Call this toll free Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 if you’re being sexually abused and need a way out.
Peace, Love & Melanin
-The Brown Mom
I do not own the rights to this picture.