Aaah LOVE… one of the most powerful forces to be dealt with. People in history have killed and gone to war because of it. There are those who have gotten sick and died because of Love. How can something that everyone wants and yearnS for, be so damn destructive? I do not have the answer to that, but I would like to share with you all the consequence of entering love, blindly. This experience was a tough lesson but nonetheless, it was a lesson I needed to learn.
As you all may know, I am a big fan of online dating, especially for those who have very busy lives. That is where I met my boo, let’s call him “Trifling Soulmate”. When we met up for the first time it was love and sparks off the bat. I’m not sure what it was but I fell hard almost immediately for him and went dumb crazy because of it. He used to open doors for me, we laughed, he always insisted he drive, I was awed by how much of a gentleman he was. I was so in love with this man that I didn’t notice the red flags. It didn’t help that he lived only 10 minutes from me as well. I could get d*ck whenever I wanted so I’m not sure if it was the d*ck that had me acting stupid or if I was ever truly in love with him.
3 months into the relationship is when shit started to get suspect. He stopped doing all those nice gestures for me. He barely did anything for me at all at this point but here I am still head over heels for him. After work I would get food for both of us and head over to his place, so we could chill, f*ck and have a good time. It didn’t bother me in the beginning, but I noticed, he never took me out on a date. I think we only went on 1 official date now that I think about it. I confronted him about it and he told me “why do I have to take you out to show that I like you…You just want something to tell your friends about”. Yall I cannot make this shit up! How are we dating but we can’t go out on dates?
I slowly started growing resentful after that encounter. My eyes were being uncovered little by little and a lot of shit was not adding up. Trifling Soulmate said he was an IT network administrator, but I began to notice that whenever I met him, he was NEVER in work clothes. TF? I left work earlier one day and figured I’d pop to this niggas house and see if his story added up. Boom, I arrive at his house and I see there are no cars parked outside…hmmm okay. I go up to the door and its opened, I walk in and open his room door. Lo and behold who do I see sitting at his desk… trifling soulmate! That’s not all either come to find out what he does for a living is make Pizza Hut orders. I caught him in the middle of him making an order and he was shocked when he saw my ass. Instead of leaving me him right there and then, my dumb ass stayed. The next red flag was when I asked for his license, so I can see his picture. He handed me his state ID and I was confused ASF. Whatever. A few days later we went somewhere and when I dropped him off, he left something in my car. What was that thing you ask? It was his PERMIT. THAT HE GOT THIS YEAR. We live in a city where a car is necessary. So, he had me under the impression that he had his license and he is 33 F*CKING YEARS OLD. But after finding that out did I leave? NO. Why. Because I’m boo boo the fool and the d*ck was too bomb. The Next red flag popped up when I asked him why he didn’t get a job after he graduated from college. He started stuttering and wasn’t giving me a straight answer. Then I just straight-out and asked, “Did you even go to college?”. YAALLLLLLLLLLLLL he said NO!
At this point, this nigga done lied about his job, his education and has been feeding me false illusions with empty promises. From the beginning, I was putting my all into the relationship. I mean cooking, buying him shit, paying for his road test, driving him to places where he needed a ride, f*cking him. I left him for 2 months then went back to his trifling ass like the dumb ass I am. Over the breakup, he had finally bought his car and I thought it was sign he was changing for the better and maturing. LIES.
He was the same manipulative ass man, who knew how to use me. Boyyy did he use me good. I was drained, I was tired, I was sad, all the symptoms of being in an unfulfilled relationship was hitting all at once but I kept hoping he would love me. I prayed every night for God to change his heart and let me see how much he meant for me. I was so infatuated with him not realizing I was in a toxic relationship. I gained a mentor, and I explained my situation to her. She told me, to get out and never speak to him again. I knew she was right, but I felt like I should still give him a chance….
my mentor to me:
Fast forward to my son’s birthday, where we planned to go together and be a “family”. I reached out to him (I always was the one reaching out first) to let him know where to meet me and at what time to be ready. To my surprise he said we would not be able to go with me because he is going somewhere with his brother. WOW. He continued to say he would meet me at the location, I said okay. The party came and went (We had a fabulous time) but he never showed up. I went to the bathroom to cry because I cannot explain the amount of hurt, I felt. Not a call or a text, nothing. I felt abandoned, lonely and betrayed. Once again, he showed his ass. After I reached out again to get an explanation, he said he was sorry. But sorry wasn’t enough. It was then everything came full circle for me. This nigga was never going to change. I was not important to him. If I did not leave him, he would break me down and use me for everything I got.
I deleted his number, unfriended him and made the conscious choice to never communicate with him the day after. I was done.
He is not the man God has for me. I was literally forcing something that wasn’t meant to be. I refused to ignore the signs because he was my “comfort” zone. I purposely lowered my standards just to keep him around. He hurt me, but I kept coming back like a puppy. I had to go through this ultimate betrayal to finally see everything for what it was. That was my lesson.
My mentor and many people told me that when I have the right one, I won’t have to be begging him or chasing. He will willingly love me and treat me like the woman I am. They are right.
I love you…. but I love myself more. I am making myself a priority and I be damned if I ever let another human being make me go through that mess again.
Love yourself, ladies… For your own sake. Do not be dumb like me and if you’re already in a draining relationship please leave. No one should be doing more work than the other when it comes to relationships. If they not making you feel like the Queen, you are, then leave BITCH. At the end of the day, I can only blame myself for letting this toxic relation go so long. I was insecure and scared that I would be alone. I am working on those insecurities so that I don’t fall victim again when someone does the bare minimum for me. Save yourselves from the hurt and embarrassment. You’re a Queen baby and you shouldn’t have to take it off for someone else’s comfort.
“…That Betrayal was your blessing sis”
Peace, Love & Melanin
-The Brown Mom